A Month of March Madness

My grandma Ruth, on her 90th birthday with my family.

This month has been terrible. If you haven’t noticed, I have been isolating away from my social world and have avoided a lot of my creative outlets (i.e. writing and making video content), and it has only increased over time. An onslaught of depression has plagued, not only this month, but most of this year. And this week has been the icing on the 7-layer cake. So this is my attempt to explain a few things for clarity’s sake, but most importantly my own. This has been my March madness (and dammit do I wish it was basketball related).

Let’s start with something that I’ve been struggling to comprehend. Recently I’ve felt so distant from many of the people in my life, I feel as if I’ve pushed away many of my friends, my family, and my relationships. It feels as if I’m not been fully myself, and therefore, has really affected my mental health. I know many of these people are unaware or are busy living their lives too, but it still doesn’t make it easy. I’m slowly learning that it is okay to take the time to heal oneself, before one heals bonds with others.

Now for the one-two punch to the stomach. Two people in my life have passed on from this world within days of each other. The first was a friend, his name is Levi. Levi was a friend of mine since my early 20s, and was always a pillar of support. When you weren’t expecting to hear from anyone, you could always count on him to send something random and out-of-the-blue that you enjoyed, to let you know that he was thinking of you. I’ve not seen him in about a year, and now I see his spirit this upcoming weekend. It’s not what I wanted in a reunion.

The second person that I lost was my grandmother, Ruth Jones. My grandma Ruth was such a sweet and loving person. Her smile and laugh was such a distinct combination, that I’m conjuring it up as I write this. I’m the oldest grandson and can recall glimpses of her and my late grandfather, Calvin, when I visited their dairy farm. It’s a part of my life that is so far etched into my memory that it seems that it was someone else’s. I just wish I was around more.

As I write this, both of these deaths have truly not been realized in my mind, and are still abstract. I’ve not seen the body. I’ve not felt the love of their loved ones. I’ve not sensed their passing yet. But I do know that I will.

With all of this being said, my March has been maddening. I’ve not felt the need to reach out, but this is my attempt at trying. I know that I haven’t talked to many of you, but I want everyone to know that I feel how much you care. My tendency is to always spread my self thin. I know full well that it is idealistic; I just wish I had more to give to others. But I know that what I can give is enough, it’s just a process of learning that concept.

Thank you very much for reading, I appreciate you all. I’m not Jonesing around 😉

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